In the endless cycle of birth and rebirth, we must never forget that the quest for knowledge pales in importance to the depth of inner spirituality that knowledge can provide. The Facebook can provide a method for the knowledge-seeker to explore connections with others to implement practical, non-violent change. There is strength in the ability to exchange knowledge with others, and most of the things that knowledge-seekers can discover on the Facebook can provide enlightenment.

Except for that stupid Vampires thing, which is totally fucking stupid. Nobody should use it.

In the quest for human knowledge, we must never forget basic values such as compassion, tolerance, contentment and self-discipline. In our journey through this world, we see that the Facebook is a microcosm of these values, reminding us of our humanity even as we concern ourselves with the worldly tasks of attending fraternity mixers, throwing sheep at our fellow man, and "poking" your roommate's hot girlfriend fifteen times a day.

This is, in its purest essence, the spirit of the Facebook.

Also, I invented this shit, bitches, so just back the fuck up.

As part of our 100 days of reformation, it's time to let the world know the real story behind Facebook.

Facebook was invented by yours truly and here's the real story.

One day I was hanging out with Mr. Filo at Stanford playing frisbee, but it got pretty boring just throwing it back and forth between us.

I wanted some action. So I thought about it and thought about it. 

"Let's start a frisbee league and we can be one of the teams," I blurted outloud to Filow.

"But we didn't have any friends," he quipped.

He was right. But we were in the quad of Stanford and there were thousands of people that we could recruit if we just had social skills.

That's when it hit me, instead of having social skills, we could create a bulletin board service that would mimic a real life social network to help us meet people.

I told Filo that fellow students could build profiles all connected by the one thing we all have in common - no not a passion for American Idol - STANFORD UNIVERSITY! Then we could create a Frisbee Football group and invite people to join our league!

Filo looked up with eyes wide open and said, "EUREKA. That's it!!!!!"

I replied, "Oh man, we can call it the Frisbee Book or Campus Book or ConnectU or FaceSpace."

Then he scratched his head and asked, "I love it, but how do we do it?"

So we put up flyers looking for programmers on campus to help us build our visionary new network.

We didn't really meet anyone, so we decided to look at the Web for answers.

There wasn't a really easy way to search online, so we created this little search egnine to help us find developers.

It was a neat little tool because we could then search all over the world for any one online that matched what we were looking for.

Then Filo yoddled or something from the other side of the room, "YAAAAHHHOOOOOOOO, I found a someone who can help us!!!!!"

I looked over in joy and asked who.

Filo said that there was some kid named Mark at Yale who was looking to create a frisbee league at his school too.

After a tragic frisbee accident during practice the next day, I hurt myself and wasn't able to get the nerve to play frisbee again.

The rest is history.

But, here is my proof. This is the EXACT moment I thought of the idea.

It was bad enough i lost my last case against Al Gore in 2000, but now I have another one in proceedings in court with Mark Zuckerberg. You see, I have been known to talk, well maybe share a little too much. You see He was a congressman at the time and Mr. Gore was sooo nice, I couldn't help tell him about my idea to link computers together in a roadwork. You see you take away all the stopsigns and railroad tracks and build up information bridges creating a "superhighway" of information. Then he goes and blabs his big trap to Wolf Blitzer on CNN and all hell breaks loose!

Now it seems this smug little Ivey League crackerjack has taken another one of my ideas. You see, I've never really been too far away from home here in Bozeman, MT, and I was sooo excited when my friends decided we should take a trip back East and see the birthplace of this great nation. We went to New York, Philadelphia and Boston. While I was in this nice little cafe, Algiers, when we went to vist Cambridge, MA, and I well telling my frustrations with my friends about losing my lawsuit against Mr. Gore, when this nice young man chimed in from the table next to us saying how wrong it was about Mr. Gore stealing my idea.

Well a double latte later, there I was babbling like a little school girl about just how great it would be to build a website where we could have little conversations like this with our friends and then let their friends in and heck--even strangers from a table away! You know it would be hot with all these colleges in the area, it would be like a yearbook but you can say what you want face-to-face, so to say, any ime...not just the end of the year.

You can't imagine just how angry I was when my friends started pointing out this young man who made a website from Harvard and sure as heck, it was that young man from the cafe. And to think, I spent so much of my time, money and Saturday's at the Learning Annex taking all them internet and "How to build a business at home" classes and HE stole my idea. I swear I was just maybe a year away from putting up my site on AOL Hometown.

I could go on for hours and hours on this and don't get me started on what I told Mr. Gore about all that smog making this planet like an over and I swear will melt the ice right off Antarctica if we ain't careful. And who is this Nobel guy?

O!M!G! i can't belieeeve that zuckerberg guy! me and my BFF babs, who also  happened to be my big sis at Gamma Phi Beta (we're red hot tomatoes!  whoo! we get all the boys and we treat 'em like toys 'cuz we're Gamma Phi Beta! whoo!), WE TOTALLY invented facebook! we were painting our mascot  (which is top secret for GPB memberz only, loosers, so don't even ask) on these beer steins for the  spring fling (LOL) and i don't know if it was the paint fumes or what but suddenly we were all like light-headed and suddenly she was rubbing my shoulders and suddenly we were like making out  and stuff. it was kind of soft and nice, not stubbly or tasting like skoal like SOME kissers (DAVE) i could mention. gross. but you know babs said it was just experimentalism or whatever and its not like
were GAY or anything. god. gross! that's like, people who listen to melissa etheridge and stuff.  as if! but anywayz, so after she helped me re-hook my bra she said wouldnt it be cool to like, make a group and ONLY the cool girls from GPB could join, and of COURSE brian and brandon and brett and maybe mike and then we could like show pix from the spring fling including ones of that bitch courtney when she inevitably starts tossing her cookies at 3 a.m. after making out with brian and brandon AND brett (slut)  and then oh cool instead of your white board on your door you could even have something on  your computer that said where you were at and what you were doing and you could make it so maybe that bitch celine could read it and eat her heart out when you were having lunch with brandon but she couldn't say shit about it. oh and instead of these gay beer steins you could give each  other like "virtual" teddies and roses and shots of tequila and all. and i said that is SO COOL you  are SO genius babs what are you gonna call it and she said how about HOT OR NOT? and i said oh that is brill
but i think some asshole already took that one and she said crap what about HOTTIE OR NOTTIE and i said that is awesome and then she started stroking my thigh again and then all of a sudden we forgot to invent it and then the next thing you know it was spring fling already and GOD that slut xtina was ALL OVER brett who does she think she is anyway?

In the depths of the Wycongee National Forest, I was traipsing about wielding my 40-pound axe and a satchel of hard tack and salted meat. By lumbering brethren and I turged deep into the piney depths to fell such trees as man had ne'er felled before. Our conquest was long, and brutal, and hard, leaving casualties in our wake (RIP, Thor Undertoe), scars on our back, and sweat in our blood.

What does this have to do with Facebook? Everything!

Facebook is about more than wall posts, Zombie apps, and photos of one's inebriated exuberance. (Though I do think the Zombie app is rather cool.)

No, at its core, Facebook is about the ties that bind us to our fellow man: comeraderie, fraternity, glory, trust, and the deep and endless current of friendship.

If this is what Facebook is about -- and it is -- one must ask who on holds truest to this noble humanist ethos. And the answer, my friends, is clear: Lumberjacks.

Yes, it is we, swinging our axes in the depths of the forest, conquering nature red in tooth and claw, forming bonds of kinship with our fellow man, looking danger in the eye and laughing, we Lumberjacks are responsible for the spirit of Facebook. And while the founder may have not been a lumberjack himself, nor might have he ever met a lumberjack in his life, it is clear from a single glance in his young beady eyes that the Lumberjack Spirit runs through him.

We salute you, brave Mark, for your triumph in bringing our ways into the age of information, and we eagerly await our stock options.

I clean dorm rooms for a living. Seriously.

I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say that I was cleaning at a college that a person with the initials M.Z. used to attend. 

So anyway, Mark Zu..., I mean, M.Z. (we gotta keep this secret) was in his room one day when I showed up to clean.

We got to chatting, while I was working - OK boss?! Just in case he's reading this. Sorry, I'll continue.

I asked M.Z. what he was up to and he said he was thinking about staritng an interweb company.

I told him that he should think about staring a site where I could find hot milfs. All the girls on MySpace are too young!

I rationalized that if college girls sign up for a firend-like college network, that they'll draw "the dudes" and if the dudes show up, so will the moms of the college girls - you know - just to keep an eye on things.

M.Z. stood up and said brilliant!

He asked me what I call it...and I said, "the Milf Book," what else?

Then, I thought about it and I told him, "You know M.Z., that's shallow. What is it that will drive everyone crazy? It's their profile pictures!  I'll call it The Face Directory of hot milfs or simply The Face Book."

I never got around to doing anything with it though.  I had rooms to clean.

Also, your father and I would appreciate it if you would call home a little more often. Mister Internet big-shot, hmmph.

So Aaron Greenspan, Mark Zuckerberg, and the Wonder Twins Tyler and Cameron, as we called them at Harvard - if you know what I mean - were hanging out at the pub one night after mid-terms.

Aaron was complaining about how difficult it was to reach all of us to grab a beer  that night, giving us yet ANOTHER guilt trip. He reminded us, again, that we needed to know how lucky we were to even have him as a friend.  He went on and on that he was sooooooooooooo popular on MySpace, then the twins jumped in talking about how they were more popular on campus than any of us, and that having cyber friends was sooooo stupid.

I looked at Zuckerberg because he was quiet, but he was writing on a napkin or something.

Then it hit me...right there.

What if we created a MySpace but for college people.

BOOM.

Everyone was like, um, that's stupid. MySpace rocks. And the twins were of course, saying, hey, we don't need no stinking network to be popular...

I said, wouldn't it be cool if we could organize events, keep friends together in networks, build sub-groups, email each otehr, all for people at our school, all within one network?

That's when I came down off my soap box and looked up to see that Aaron and the twins were gone. Whatever. 

Mark was the only one left.

I said, "See Mark, that's why you're such a good friend. Everyone else thinks I'm stupid."

Mark looked up at me and said, "Hey, keep going. I'm taking notes here. I want to document this moment for when you become famous."

I said, "Damn straight Mark!"

Then he asked, "So what do you call it!"

I said, "The Aristocrats!"

No wait, then I said, "MyFace or SpaceBook!!!!"

But then I got pregant by my college boyfriend, so I never got it started I guess that's a whole other story.

Oh well.

For a thousand million millenia my people circled your solar system, waiting for any signs of interesting life. It was the earth "year" 1987 issue of Playboy that declared Chico State University the #1 Party School in the nation that made us sit up and take notice.

And so we descended upon your insignificant little planet, mildly scorching the shrubbery outside the Life Sciences building on the Chico State campus. Two happy decades of all-night keggers, fifteen broken two-way mirrors into the girls' bathroom and three successful paternity suits later (Hi Lurgo, XYSROP and Ashlee. Daddy's child support check is in the mail) we finally got your inferior technology to adapt and give a human-readable interface to our advanced notions of "news feeds", "relationship status = looking to hook up" and "send a teddy bear to someone you wuv". And so facebook was born.

BOW BEFORE OUR SUPERIOR TECHNOLOGY, PUNY HUMAN! QUAKE BEFORE THE TRUE INVENTOR OF FACEBOOK!

It was about seven years ago when I invented Facebook. I was lying face-down in the quad after a righteous acid trip. I'd misplaced my pants and my underwear, and parts of me had been painted blue. It might have been blackberry jam, I'm not really sure.

Anyway, it was at the end of finals week, and everyone in my dorm had decided to unwind with some really world-class LSD and mushrooms and other stuff our RA described as "insect tranquilizer". We'd been going all night, it was about six in the morning, my girlfriend was wearing someone else's underwear, and it struck me like a ton of bricks: this is what life is all about. This is a moment that needs to be captured. And these people: I need to keep them near me, forever. I need a way to keep track of all these people: yes, especially the guy from out-of-town who just made fierce, animalistic love to my girlfriend right after he took my wallet.

My idea was that you could put everyone you know on the computer, somehow, and people could look each other up. Then you could go off and have acid trips until dawn and and steal each others' girlfriends. It would be cool -- what college is all about, really. And you could call it Facebook.

I didn't call it Facebook then, though. I think me and my dorm-mates called it something like Face Place. I might have called it "El Facebook," like with a Spanish flair. It's sort of hard to remember, now. Also, I've been in jail for a while and that can really mess with you.